Monday, 22 January 2018

In the interest of the church (Part 11)

By Nene Osiedu
WHEN I awoke, she was nowhere to be found. It was 6 a.m! Christ! I hadn’t washed the cars! I jumped out of bed and rushed outside. Prophet was washing one of the cars himself.

Kai! This man wants to kill me. How can he be washing the cars himself! I rushed to car park to get it done. He said it was okay, and that he needed the exercise. He asked if I was feeling ill.
Of course, I was ill, very ill. Who wouldn’t be ill after…..okay, hold it - some things are not meant for plenty talk. He said he thought as much, and apologised for the pressure from work. This man is something else.
But I can’t let him wash these cars. That is just wrong. I cannot let my Prophet do such a job. Prophets are supposed to sleep whilst we the armor-bearers do the work. That is how it is supposed to be. When I become prophet! Hmm!
Memories of last night were still fresh in my mind. God is, indeed, wonderful and he meets everyone at the point of his need! What! I wish it will happen all over again! See how I keep smiling like some baby jackal! What did that crazy village girl do to me! A whole me!
Osofo Maame came down shortly with little Prophetess. School time for the little witch, and a moment’s breather from “kenkey-body Osofo Maame” Look at her! Mmoadze! She eyed me rudely, but I ignored her.
Don’t look at my face! Mmoadze! What is she whispering again? Ah this woman! So can anything good ever come out of her! Close that smelly mouth there! Let me forget about her and go check on the maid.
There are more pressing issues than exchanging glances with some witch! Who has time for you when the maid is the latest technology in town! Hah! She was there as usual, cleaning the kitchen. Can’t she do something better with her beautiful life! Prophet must change this poor girl’s job description. AH! She should wait. Now that I am her prayer partner, I would fight for her. I will fight for her and she will hold her peace.
With my entire teeth on display, I greeted her affectionately, expecting a response in the same manner, or better.
She ignored me, and gave me the same cold attitude she had been giving me all my life! What the nerve! This girl has no respect!
Oh, she said she had a slight headache. Poor girl, I must have over-prayed last night. I smiled briefly. Prophet came in to get a glass of water; he was almost dressed and ready to leave. I hurried out to get ready. This maid surely was an actor; a crazy one too! I have to see her on my way back from the factories. I wasn’t going to allow that wonderful moment to remain in history. Never.
I parked the car quickly and rushed inside the mansion; tired and against time. I shouted for her; my joy boundless, package in hand. I bought some apples and a snack for her. Surely, this must make her see more ghosts at night and come to me for exorcism. I am ever ready!
She descended lazily down the stairs, rudely rebuking me for shouting her name like that. Kai! She even had the nerve to warn me sternly, never to shout her name like that again. I was shocked. What did she mean? Did she not know whom she was talking to? This maid has no respect for the things of God. She said last night was a mistake, a terrible one she wished had never happened. She accused me of seducing her! Kai!
Me! Seduce! How can she call that seduction when she was making groans louder than thunder? She threatened to report me to Prophet if I didn’t stop pestering her!
Mama mia! I couldn’t believe this. This maid has no respect for the things of God. She said I should keep whatever it is I bought for her, that she didn’t want it. With that she stormed upstairs whence she came, chuckling!
At that moment, I felt as small as a grain of rice. What just happened? I could not believe any of my senses. This surely was some joke. This girl is joking. I will teach her where power lies. How can you make mockery of me like that! To think I was hoping to pray for her again tonight! What was the meaning of all this?
No wonder she left my side without waking me up. This maid had awoken a sleeping dragon. It was a now or never affair. I just could not take it. She has to answer for this. I stormed upstairs after her. I checked her room, she wasn’t there. Where could she be? Ei, does she have demonic powers? I have to be careful of this girl oh, she smells like danger! But this danger is too attractive! I have to check everywhere in the house!
I checked Prophet’s room! What! There she was, lying naked on Prophets’ bed, cuddling with his pillow! Idiot! She thought I was going to leave the house immediately after her dressing down! She doesn’t know my earth is in a square shape! See her white surprised face like that of a ghost! Mmoadze!

She was startled at my sudden presence, and quickly covered herself with the bed-spread. Seeing her naked melted my anger instantly. She angrily threw a pillow at me, raining insults and cursing rudely. This girl is truly a village rat! Kuraseni!
She quickly grabbed her clothes from the floor as she hurried to dress up. She demanded I left there that very moment, that she was dressing Prophets’ room. I regained my composure. This girl must be joking. So she cleans the room naked! So this is what she does when we are all away? The talk of a butterfly thinking itself a bird just because it can fly! To think Osofo Maame too sleeps on this bed - such an abomination. She dared me to report her if I wanted to. She was struggling to put on her jeans trouser. That was my chance.
I dashed to snatch the trouser from her grip. She screamed as she struggled for her trouser, but I was stronger. I won, and grabbed her blouse, which was also lying on the floor. She reached for the bed-spread she had dropped earlier; but I was faster; I took away that one too. I grinned as she cursed; she had only her panties on.
‘Sosket’! This had to be it. I demanded an explanation for the scene she just put up downstairs. She repeated those deathly words again -“Terrible mistake”.
Idiot! How can you come to pray in my room at midnight and say it was a terrible mistake? Just then, the Spirit whispered the best idea of the century into my ear! Hah! My Prophetic unction was beginning to blossom! What a blessing! Those of you, who don’t do what the Spirit says, be very careful; for to obey is to sacrifice, or not, I don’t know!

I took my phone as I was directed and took quick shots of her half-clad body, in the Prophet’s room! Before she could react, it was too late. She cursed some more; I laughed even more. She threatened to report me, I laughed again, louder and harder than the first! Mmoadze! I threatened to show the pictures to Osofo Maame that very instant. She could see my seriousness now. She shrugged in defeat. I even pretended to call Osofo Maame. She kneeled instantly, begging me to delete the pictures. I smiled. I had her cornered. She said she was sorry for insulting me earlier on. She was literally in tears now.

Poor girl! She thinks we are joking here. Never mess with a Prophet-to-be. MmoadzeI She stood staring at me for a while. Only God knew what evil thought she was cooking up in that her village head. She wiped her tears, and quietly took off her panties, revealing the very view I had been fantasizing about all this while.
My heart began pounding like a chop bar pestle. She lay down on the bed quietly and spread her legs wide apart. What was she doing? Did I have to answer that question even? I checked my time. Prophet expects me back any moment soon.
A little prayer would not hurt I thought. This had to be quick. I undressed and joined her on the bed. She looked away in disgust. I cared less. Who wants to see her ugly face anyway! This was another dream come true, on Prophet’s matrimonial bed!
Secretary was busily chatting on her phone when I got back. She looked pale. She said she had a headache. Was there some kind of headache -virus in the atmosphere? What was happening? She said Prophet had some visitors from some radio station.
I gave her the package meant for the maid; she was elated. Women and gifts! She hugged me as I squeezed her ‘indomie’ body. She sure had a temperature. I said a short prayer for her after which I collapsed into one of the sofas at the reception.
The day had been a success, far greater than I imagined. I smiled in appreciation of the events. Indeed, God is able to do exceedingly and abundantly above all we could ask for or imagine. I had printed extra 2,000 stickers for my personal sales, as well as a few bottles of quick-action oil for some special clients. I am only helping to promote the agenda of the church. And to top it all, that maid gave me prayer like never before. It came as a surprise though. I told her I had deleted the pictures. She believed it. Idiot! I sent copies to my other phone before I deleted them. I finally had eternal leverage over her.

Prophet and the visitors soon came out laughing. These radio people look uglier than their voices sound. He introduced me to them. I guess they are also on board to broadcast Prophet’s sermons. The ministry surely is growing. Prophet is such a gifted man. I have to learn so much from him. Soon I would also be Prophet, and I intend to have my sermons preached on international stations. I do not have time for small Ghanaian radio stations.

We have to head home now. It has been a tiring day. Prophet says I should to go to the Port early tomorrow to clear a vehicle - another acquisition. Perfect. Prophet is such a blessed man. Cars are just the smallest of the blessings God gives him every day. It is delightful.
I look forward to when he will buy a car for me. It would be such a blessing. I know that day is surely coming. The vision is but for an appointed time, it may tarry, but surely, it would come to pass. He says the new car is a Toyota Highlander, to aid him promote the affairs of the Kingdom, and further advance the interest of the church!
.To be continued

. The writer is a playwright and Communications Practitioner.
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