Monday, 18 December 2017
In The Interest of the Church

In The Interest of the Church

-by Nene Osiedu
Own Goal (II)
Continued from the previous week
The last thing a man in my situation should want is to meet another idiot like OsofoMaame. Who has time for leisure when there is a very important mission to accomplish! She has just one agenda and I know that so well. Prayer! Nothing else. Prayer every day, prayer forever! Story of my life. That woman has no brain for anything sensible.

Prayer all day, all night. That is all her lazy brain is filed with. And at a time like this! Who wants to pray when two giant trees of the church have fallen; when an emergency fasting and prayer marathon has been ordered by his royal highness the evil prophet himself! I know OsofoMaame does not like to fast – her appetite for food is greater than the one she has for prayers! No wonder she is the way she is! A rare creature she is, that woman! One would think a Prophet’s wife should be standing gallantly by her husband during these trying times of the church, but no, she would rather come pray with me!
The fool thinks I am attracted to her ugly self! I must add her to the cleansing list eventually. The church has no use for women who cannot stay loyal to their husbands! I know Prophet hardly stays at home to give her the rare form of attention she so longingly craves for; but is that not the nature of the ministry? When she is riding in all the flashy cars and enjoying the importance that comes with being a Prophet’s wife, does she think all those things comes without sacrficies? Sacrifices are an integral; part of ministry, and the idiot should know that1 But no! Instead f staying faithful to her husband, she would do whatever she can to satisfy her strange prayer desire! Ah! Should it not be the case that men would rather be pursuing the wife of the prophet to pray with her one or twice? That should be the case! But no! This one? It is the other way round! Such perverts are a threat to the continuous progress of the church, and their continuous existence would not be in the best interest of the church!
What have I done! I have just given myself away again to this witch! What was I even thinkingtalking about secretary in her presence! Whoever used secretary’s phone to call me is a devil and would be punished or the rest of his or her miserable life! I only rejected the damn call and threatened to escort the caller to join the owner of the phone wherever it is she went to! It should be no harm to cuss every now and then after a phone call. I am not an idiot to suppress my emotions till they cannot be suppressed any longer. Threatehing to clear the caller is a normal thing cowards do; especially when they know the person they are threatening cannot even hear them. That is all I said. That was my own goal. That was when I passed the ball into my own net! OsofoMaame finally has me in her palm!The idiot was behind the door of the washroom listeniug to the call! Can you imagine she thought I lied when I asked too used the washroom?
Now she is threatening to report me to the police! How could I have allowed this blunder to happen right under my nose? This goal is too expensive and risky to concede, andmust be reversed. She didn’t believe me when I told her I was joking! The idiot finally had me where she had always wanted! Prison will surely be my end! After all the prayers I have prayed for this witch, this is how she decides to pay me back!
Now she wants me to clear the maid! Somehow she caught Prophet and the maid praying some nights ago! Hah! Finally the scales have fallen off her lizard eyes! But Prophet too, why would you do such a stupid thing! The person is carrying my baby, well, our baby, al least, let her rest a bit! But no, the idiot would not leave the maid alone. He had to go disgrace himself like this! Now my plans have to change. Things are moving too fast for my mind to process. OsofoMaame wants the maid to join her ancestors, just like secretary and Elder big mouth. She says it is in the best interest of the church! What nonsense! How can such a diabolic plan be in the interest of the church! She claims the maid’s child is for Prophet; that she has been suspecting it all along!
Now the painful irony. If you suspected the maid and prophet all along, why did you allow them to set me up like that? She even used that incident as an opportunity to milk prayers from my tired self. Now she is threatening to expose me for secretary’s something. I am such a damned idiot. This crossfire is too much for me to bear, but a solution must be found, in the interest of the church. OsofoMaame opening her mouth about secretary and elder big mouth is sure to spark controversy. The members would be filled with more fear than they already have. Too much fear is not good for anybody, not even the devil. With the fasting and prayer currently ongoing, the pathetic flock would call me all sorts of names; murderer among many others.
Murderer! What an unfair name for someone who sacrificed so much to save the church from rot! Saviour should be an appropriate word in this case! They wouldn’t even dare call me that! The ungrateful pigs! With that dreaded accusation, the jobless and aimless media folks would descend on the church like an army of locusts! That would inevitably cause the church to collapse, and that would not be in the best interest of the Lord’s church! OsofoMaame’s desperation to clear the maid is serious. She does not want the maid’s child to compete with little prophetess for Prophets Properties! Hah! But no one knows the secret. It is a family secret; unless the maid decides to open her mouth, which I think is the reason OsofoMaame wants her gone. That girl too! Her beautiful body might have eaten up all her brains, how can you be talking back at your madam; the very one who brought you out of the damn village to the city! Because you are privileged to carry Prophets seed so you think you are on top of the world. Idiot! Now you have invited doom the world has never seen before onto your miserable life! Oh this maid! I had plans for her too, at least a little prayer here and there when I become Prophet would not hurt much. She just had to ruin my plans with her whorish body! Now see, OsofoMaame is demanding I finish her so she does not become a threat to her and us? Us! This woman is sick! Us? How? So she always thought we were together? This woman has no respect for the things of God! Her selfishness would surely drive her to her early grave. I cannot afford to give in to her demands. My mission to cleanse the church does not include clearing the maid and her child. No! One must stay focused to achieve a goal. This woman is evil. She is the real threat to the church. She should be embarking on that journey and not the maid. After all, she knows too many secrets about me. Secretary knew some secrets too, but she is no longer a threat, except for the useless person using her phone! But as for OsofoMaame, she must join secretary. Her continuous existence is a threat to the ministry. This one is too toxic to be allowed to continue with her diabolic plans. She knows about my dealings with the church bus account, my two houses and the products I sell on the side for my own faith. She had for too many times blackmailed me into praying with her. Once she is out of the picture, I would be free of her clutches; free to focus on Sister Prudence, and make a move for that bank lady.
As for the maid, hers would come later,.OsofoMaame does not deserve to live any longer. A Prophet’s wife who quarrels with almost everyone in churchy, is that one too a Prophet’s wife? An OsofoMaame who treats others like they are not human beings does not deserve to breathe any longer. I would be doing her a great and merciful service by escorting her rather to wherever it is secretary and her lover have gone to. It will bein the best interest of the church. Her passing would be painful yet joyous. It will be a sacrifice that would unite the church. Another funeral after the two funerals would bring more faith to the church.
A whole Prophet’s wife passing like that! That would bring in faith in different currencies. The stupid well-wishers would keep pouring in the faith even after the funeral. That should be good compensation to Prophet and the church for the havoc OsofoMaamehascaused. Little Prophetess I know would be lonely for a while, but she would get over it. That silly little one is old enough to play with herself and do blue-blue in secret. She should be able to endure some small sorrow. Besides, I will be around to support, her, be the big brother she will never have, and maybe pray for her when she comes of age. After all, what are brothers for! Come to think of it, escorting OsofoMaame just like that might cause more fear and panic in the church. The stupid flock would cave in and might even quit the church! I must be gentle and tactical with this one. There are many ways to kill a cat. I can arrange for my generals to catch and pray for her till she passes, but that would be too dirty. Or maybe I can use the pillow again like I did for secretary? No, I don’t have the strength to go that mile again. I can paralyze the idiot so she becomes an invalid. That should work. But knowing OsofoMaame, she would talk more. The idiot would even make sure I am busted for that. This is not easy task. I can make her a good drink, put in some slow poison and watch her dance her way slowly to the land of no return.

….to be continued

The writer is a playwright and Communications Practitioner.
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